the point

It is funny the ways i am reminded of the point of why i do what i do, why i serve the way that i do.  Funny ha ha, or funny ironic, or funny weird i haven’t quite decided.  i will leave that determination up to you Ma’am.  i know that i am never reminded by the moments that are easy.  By the tasks i am set to do that i would have been doing anyway or do simply, naturally, like breathing.  It always comes in the moments i am not expecting.  It comes in the moments when the service is difficult…or perhaps difficult is too strong a word…maybe the right word is unexpected…or a surprise.  Maybe it is a surprise because my mind has drifted off on things that i want or need to be doing or i am just going about a task with less intention than perhaps i should.  And then suddenly there is a request sometimes simple, sometimes complex, and i feel a moment in my mind and body that feels almost like conflict but again i don’t think that is exactly the correct word.  It is more like a sudden stop, like coming up short and quite suddenly being fully present in my life and in my choices and in my place.

i am not going to lie it is not always a pleasant sensation but in the end it is always a welcome one. It is of particular value when life is busy and things just seem to keep going on their way and i drift slightly, become complacent and less present in my daily tasks.  In these moments i am allowed to breath into my intention and lean into my service and show up and do it.  i won’t claim seemlessness when i am caught flat footed…i am considerably too transparent for that and i know the grinding of my gears shows though and i always regret that but i hope that i always show up and i always do it.  Whatever it is…running out at night for ice cream, altering a favorite recipe until it is absolutely perfect and puts a true smile on the face of a Pretty Lady, or remembering to load the dishwasher, or hang up my jacket…it is a million tiny things, a million tiny actions that make up day to day service and even when i stumble and even when i don’t quite pull it all off i value and savor each moment of my service.  

And i value most of all those moments that push me to be present, intentional, loving, and devoted.  i value the surprises and the reminders and hope i live up to my duties and my word.  This is not an easy path i have chosen but i know in some deep resonant place that it is the right path and i walk it with the right person.

hearing words

I realized something this morning lying in my bed contemplating a series of events last night and  a few things more broadly.  Last night i was reminded that i have not been entirely successful at learning to curb my tendency toward loud, passionate argument.  This is, sadly, not a shocking revelation but one i am yet again forced to confront and deal with.  Right now i am battling not to feel like a failure, not to feel like i will never be the person i really want to be, that the things about me that i like best are so closely tied to the things about me that i like least that i’ll never untangle the ones i want and the ones i don’t.  It is currently a toss up as to whether or not i can get those voices to settle down.  i am hoping that through writing this they will at least shut up for a second.

i also realized in the course of our conversation last night and my thoughts this morning that there are certain phrases that for me as a slave are excruciating when they land on my ears.  For any slave there are obvious phrases we don’t want to hear “you’ve been bad”, “I don’t want you”, and such.  The one i realized this morning that ranks right up there is “I don’t care.”  This phrase can be followed up with anything “I don’t care” if, or what, or whether.  In this case it was “I don’t care what you eat.”  Without going into too much detail there has been much discussion of diet and health and making different life choices around our house for awhile now and pretty intensely for the last couple of months.  While i understand that i am cared for and about, deeply and profoundly that phrase hit somewhere deep.  i find myself feeling distanced from the whole process by that phrase.  i also realized it was probably spoken in defense because of my passionate stance in our conversation last night and at other times.  i also realize that it does not serve my Owner or my own service if i am alienated from the food choices that are being made in this house.  If i don’t join this path i can’t possibly serve and support the Pretty Lady the way she deserves.  The food choices that she and the boy are both making are going to change a lot about what we do as a family, what is in our fridge, what goes on the plate and if i am not a part of that there is no way for me to give the service i should give.  So when my slave brain hears the phrase “I don’t care what you eat” it panics, it suddenly feels on the outside of something critical and crucial to the care of  its Owner and i feel lost and adrift.  i didn’t even realize the phrase had sent me to this place until i was going over last night’s events in my bed this morning.  i had gotten through the file of ways that i had failed to properly communicate and tried to look at where i could have made different choices and then got to that moment and felt a wash of fear and shame that required me to look deeper and identify what i was feeling and why.  i was terrified that if  She doesn’t care what i eat, She doesn’t care what i do, and certainly doesn’t need my service in this.  If that were true a major area in which i serve and express my love would disappear for me.  How can i be of service if i am not keeping the right foods in the fridge and ensuring that the things She needs are prepared with skill and love in order to be delicious and sustainable?  If She doesn’t need me to be a part of this process what does she need me for and what good am i as a slave if i am not needed?

i hope to get to talk a little more about this with the Pretty Lady today as i am fully aware that she cares a great deal about me…and because i want her to know that, as a slave, if she is choosing a path that seems challenging and requires support i will always…ALWAYS…choose to walk that path as well in order to serve her as best as i can and to take the best care of her property that i can.

stating the obvious

Dearest Lady,

This is a letter to you based on some of the journaling i have done in the last couple of days and on an important conclusion that i reached…one that probably should have been reached long ago but that is neither here nor there.  i want to be a slave…no…to be more specific i want to be your slave…i know that service and slavery are the right path for me…i know that is where my core lies if for no other reason than when i wander away from it i feel so fucking terrible and i make such stupid mistakes.  it is not that i couldn’t follow a path of service without you it is that the path of service with you brings me so much and makes our relationship better.  what we have together is magic and i want to treat it with the respect and nurturing required and i know part of that is learning to sit with myself in the moments when you are not as present as a dominant and i have to guide my own submission.  the key to that is remembering that you are not leaving me or losing interest or fading away that the intensity of love and affection between us is not the thing that waxes and wanes only the intensity of D/s.  you are as much my owner when you don’t have the time or energy to be dominant as you are when you have your foot on my head on the floor and i think that might be the critical difference for us between D/s and M/s…or at least for me in my head.  you are my master whether or not you are being dominant…ownership is not about being dominant all the time it is about commitment, investment, and love on your part and devotion, obedience, respect, and love on my part.  i know what you expect of me and that doesn’t change just because you are not telling me what to do…i have to learn to quiet my brain and be at peace in your ownership and my slavery with and without your dominance.

i realize as i write this that it probably should have been obvious all along…

with love and devotion

yours

always

whirlwind

The days have just started blending together.  We have all been so busy either with work or the house or whatever it seems like there hasn’t been time to breath.  i feel good about the Pretty Lady and i…about our dynamic…about our M/s, about being her property and what that means for us.  i still struggle with taking correction and having a better emotional reaction when i feel i have caused added stress or disappointment.  i feel myself grow frustrated and angry with myself when i have failed to do something up to standard.  i know there is no other way for me to learn to do better if i am never corrected but i always want the tasks i complete to be above correction…to be perfect.  it doesn’t seem to matter how much i tell myself that there is no such thing as perfection and no possible way for me to be perfect but that doesn’t take away the desire for it.  The problem is when i allow my mind to wander down that path all it does is do damage to the Pretty Lady.  It doesn’t matter that i am beating myself up for my self-perceived wrongs…the blows still land with unintended consequences on the head and heart of my Owner…onto the one person i want never to harm.  It is a perplexing and fascinating struggle to accept with grace the occasional, inevitable correction…to take in the information without internalizing a sense of failure.  i feel as though i am nowhere near mastering this skill and i fear i never will be.  Some part of me knows that i have already worked hard on this and have actually gotten better than i once was but i know i am not yet good enough…and that alone seems to make it almost worse.   i don’t take correction as well as i should so not only do i feel as though i have failed at whatever task it is that is being corrected i compound that feeling by knowing that my emotional response is not what it should be either.  i have not quite seen my way out of this maze yet…but i realize i must because not only does my internal conflict do damage to my Owner and her ability to be a successful dominant it negatively effects the other people around as well.

This last time my being out of sorts helped to contribute to an extremely poorly timed moment of conflict with the boy as well…and has, i have now learned, been causing him additional stress whenever he is confronted with it.  Now i find myself fighting not to question my value…my quality…as a friend, space sharer, person because of the impact my strong emotions can have on those i care about.  i am working hard to let each person’s issues be their own…but damn is my brain screaming to internalize every bad thing i think about myself…it is an old narrative that is ringing in my ears right now and  i just don’t have time for it…but i fear i also don’t have time to properly exorcise it either…i’m hoping this short post will do some good…we shall see…i will close by wishing myself well and trying to use my gentlest internal voice possible…and try and hear the soft voice of the Pretty Lady…telling me i am loved…and cherished…and truly deeply valuable.

disappointment

There is that moment when you hear the tone of voice, see the look that means you have messed up.  Not in the little where is my napkin sort of way but in the little-girl-you-know-better-how-could-you sort of way.  I have determined that the feeling in the pit of the stomach in that moment is one of the worst feelings I know.  I had one of those this morning.  Somehow in coming home last night I didn’t lock the door behind me, now my brain rushes to rationalize just how in the hell that happened even though I know that how it happened isn’t the important bit, the important bit is that it happened.  It doesn’t seem like much really, except that it is.  It has taken time and work on the part of myself and my Lady to let her feel safe and comfortable letting me take care of things.

She is not naturally predisposed toward relying on others.  She is wildly independent and self-sufficient, two qualities I quite love about her but they have also meant that I have had to prove myself.  I have had to prove that I am trustworthy, that I won’t flake, that I will do the things that I say I will do, that I will be there with unwavering persistence.  I am by no means claiming that I have never failed to do something I have set out to do, but she doesn’t expect perfection either…just…reliability.  This being the case the feeling of disappointment that welled up in my chest this morning when she pointed out the unlocked and even improperly shut front door was nearly choking in its intensity.

I carried on with the other things I had to do.  I didn’t break down and become completely useless because I know that is not helpful, but christ I wanted to.  I wanted to drop to my knees and cry and beg her to forgive me, tell her I wouldn’t blame her if she thought I was completely useless.  Part of me was certainly feeling pretty fucking useless.  Not because I had forgotten to lock the door when we came in last night, I am human, I am not perfect, shit happens, but because I had let her down.  I had failed to do one of the things that I know is critically important to her.  I had failed to do one of the things that she has entrusted me to do that wasn’t easy for her to hand over, for her to trust another person with.  I have been told not to dwell on the moments in which I require correction, not to beat myself up and I understand why this is true.  Without correction there is no way to serve better, correction comes from a place of love.  But I also feel like in some moments it is important to dwell for a moment on ones error.  Some errors seem severe enough to warrant really feeling the emotions attached to the mistake.

So I’m feeling them.  I’m feeling the disappointment.  I’m feeling the anger.  I’m feeling the slightly tight chest, the body reaction to letting her down.  I am also feeling the desire to make sure that mistake never happens again.  I am feeling the commitment to my service and to her.  I am feeling desire to make certain she knows the trust that she puts in me every day has not been misplaced.