Getting Married

So Pretty Lady…we did it…we got married. Beautifully, authentically, and perfectly imperfect.  i have looked into your beautiful face so many times and it has never looked more beautiful than it did when i saw you coming down those stairs in that dress…me waiting there at the bottom in my dapper best trying to keep my heart from beating out of my chest…in that moment and all moments your girl…your boy…just yours…i knelt in front of you on those steps not just because it was the right thing to do but because you made my knees watery weak with those eyes and that smile.   We did it…we got married…you made my dreams real and we did it our way…not with legal irrelevancies but with love and community and creating a magical space where we could see and be seen as our whole selves.  i was your bride and your groom…you were my wife and my Lady…the boy was there at my side and Daddy was there giving you her blessing and her wishes just as i will be there for them when the time comes and you pledge yourself in love to them.  We did that…we made a place where we could be ourselves and our friends, our families, our loves, our people could see us and themselves embraced, honored, loved, and lifted.  We were all of ourselves on that day as true as any other…we were queer and poly and kinky and together in the bright sun with the salt water near by and the fall breezes just  beginning in the air.

We did that my sweet love…and i can’t begin to tell you of the gratitude…of the joy…of the love you have brought to my heart.  You have made me more, better, the best me i have ever known and i look forward to continuing that path with you for at least the next forty years…

yours..always

feeling the love

Ma’am i just wanted to drop you a little note to tell you i love you.  i feel you in my heart, so steady and solid there.  i feel the reassuring weight of my collar around my neck and i know that you are with me.  i feel your support and your encouragement in your words and see it in your eyes when you tell me to discover new things and value my new experiences.  You are an amazing owner and a partner i never thought i would find.  i hope your day is going well and that this finds you pleased with your endeavors and contented with your life.

i love you…

yours.

always.

Valentine’s Day

Ah yes…February 14th…for many the day that will live in infamy but here in this place and for your eyes only Ma’am i can say the things that my romantic heart desires to say. There is no question that romance abounds on other days as well…my soft piscean heart wouldn’t have it any other way…but it and i also can’t help but say something today.

i love you Ma’am not in the passing fancy, flash bomb, quick to blind and burn out sort of way but in the long burning, sustain the nuclear heart of the sun kind of way, i love you in the way that lasts…i love you in the think of you last before i sleep and first upon waking sort of way. i love you in the be there to laugh and dance about your triumphs and mine and climb in the shower and hug you because you are crying and bring you the last ice cram bar because the day has just sucked sort of way. i love you in the you are my favorite conversation partner on a long drive and my favorite dinner companion sort of way. i love you in a fall to my knees and pledge my devotion through blood sweat and tears sort of way.

i love you in ways i haven’t even figured out yet…i love you in ways i can’t wait to discover…i love you in ways that will still astound me when we are 80.

Yours Ma’am
always

New Year

Beautiful Lady,

Thank you for the last year, for the last four plus years together, and thank you for the future we build each day.  Thank you for your love, your patience, your vulnerability, strength, honesty, flaws, and perfections.  Thank you for cherishing each of those things in me.  i know i am not always easy…i know i am a sensitive girl who cries too much sometimes and too little other times…i know sometimes my mouth doesn’t stop and give my brain time to catch up…i know that i can pick the worst times to feel insecure…but even with all of those things that i know…i also know you love me…not in spite of anything but because i am who i am.

The year we enter today is the year we are going to get married…the year we will stand up in front of all of the people we love most and promise to belong to each other for the rest of our lives…and i can’t wait.  i imagine your eyes on that day…i imagine taking your hand and becoming your wife…and my heart beats its most happy contented rhythm in my chest…i just want to wish you a Happy New Year, Ma’am…and tell you once again that i love you…with my body, heart, and soul…

yours

always….

the point

It is funny the ways i am reminded of the point of why i do what i do, why i serve the way that i do.  Funny ha ha, or funny ironic, or funny weird i haven’t quite decided.  i will leave that determination up to you Ma’am.  i know that i am never reminded by the moments that are easy.  By the tasks i am set to do that i would have been doing anyway or do simply, naturally, like breathing.  It always comes in the moments i am not expecting.  It comes in the moments when the service is difficult…or perhaps difficult is too strong a word…maybe the right word is unexpected…or a surprise.  Maybe it is a surprise because my mind has drifted off on things that i want or need to be doing or i am just going about a task with less intention than perhaps i should.  And then suddenly there is a request sometimes simple, sometimes complex, and i feel a moment in my mind and body that feels almost like conflict but again i don’t think that is exactly the correct word.  It is more like a sudden stop, like coming up short and quite suddenly being fully present in my life and in my choices and in my place.

i am not going to lie it is not always a pleasant sensation but in the end it is always a welcome one. It is of particular value when life is busy and things just seem to keep going on their way and i drift slightly, become complacent and less present in my daily tasks.  In these moments i am allowed to breath into my intention and lean into my service and show up and do it.  i won’t claim seemlessness when i am caught flat footed…i am considerably too transparent for that and i know the grinding of my gears shows though and i always regret that but i hope that i always show up and i always do it.  Whatever it is…running out at night for ice cream, altering a favorite recipe until it is absolutely perfect and puts a true smile on the face of a Pretty Lady, or remembering to load the dishwasher, or hang up my jacket…it is a million tiny things, a million tiny actions that make up day to day service and even when i stumble and even when i don’t quite pull it all off i value and savor each moment of my service.  

And i value most of all those moments that push me to be present, intentional, loving, and devoted.  i value the surprises and the reminders and hope i live up to my duties and my word.  This is not an easy path i have chosen but i know in some deep resonant place that it is the right path and i walk it with the right person.

Memories

This evening i went to dinner with a dear friend…my “bromantic” partner in crime and i got to talking…like i do…letting my relatively loquacious nature take hold and i started to tell stories. And Ma’am i must confess i told the story of the first time you told me you love me. i told the story of the first time i told you as well. In conveying the tales my heart is reminded of the feelings of those moments…the intensity and emotion encased in both. The moments were so individual and unique and yet the same. i told you in a moment of blood and heat and passion…stripped bare and unable to hide my emotions from your seeking eyes…and you told me in a moment of quiet and safety and intensely spent emotion…whisper soft words brushing over my chest and directly to my heart. Even years later when i recall the memory i can feel it…feel the catch of my breath and the tears in my eyes and the beating of my heart as those words wound their way around me that day and each day since. You are far away from me tonight Ma’am…and i hope you are surrounded by fun and magic in the desert…but for me in this moment the distance is merely physical because i feel you in that place deep inside that is occupied by only you…in that place where your soft voice resonates and the words “i love you back” live with joy completing so many of my dreams of the person i have always wanted to spend my life with. Today and every day Ma’am…i love you…

tonight

As i lie in my bed eyes heavy from a lack of sleep last night.  One of those nights troubled by too many thoughts and too many bad dreams i wish to set tonight up differently.  You, lovely Lady, are off on a walk with the boy enjoying the summer weather and a night available because you have accomplished much and made time to spend with your loves before you travel. I smile at the thought of the two of you together and i wait, as patiently as i can, for tomorrow when we get to share a slice of time.  Instead of thinking things that will keep me up i think of you…i think of your beauty and the color of your eyes…i think of a stolen moment today lying next to you with my arms around you feeling as though my heart would explode from love…i think of the profound simplicity i feel in your arms.  i think of the depths i have found with you…the road we have walked thus far and how hard we have both worked.  There has been so much accomplished…so much done and yet the ease between us is so fluid and lovely.  i have no expectation that the road ahead for us will be without bumps or potholes but i put my head on my pillow knowing that we can withstand anything the world might throw our way.

i knew how much i loved you in those early days when i was too nervous to tell you and then that day that i couldn’t hold it back any more…what i didn’t know was how much more i would love you today…it makes me wonder how much more will i love you tomorrow?

love and marriage

My Lady,

There seems so much i want to say and yet so few words that want to slip from my lips and fingers. The last year has been a struggle for me dealing with scarcity of time and commuting and those mundane world things that distract from the day to day magic. You have been amazing. You have been understanding, supportive, loving, firm when i needed it, passionate in our connection, blissfully hard on my body, and gentle with my heart. My commute is coming to a rapid end and my new job will bring opportunity and change and hopefully only a little trepidation and i couldn’t be happier about that fact. It means time to serve, time to grow, time to love, time to write, time that has felt like the rarest of commodities of late.

There is also such an abundance of love. You and me…You and the boy…so much marriage and wedding and engagement and joy to share and explore and plan…i can’t begin to describe the emotion that fills my heart when i think of it all…my heart feels so often like it will explode from the intensity beating there. i am so in love with you. And i feel the love you hold for me whenever you look in my eyes and call me your baby girl…or tell me i am beautiful…or touch me sweetly…or run your hands over my skin while i chop veggies in the kitchen…our connection seems only to grow brighter and stronger. My deepest desire is to make you happy always…to make quite certain you know how deeply you are loved…that you know my devotion and my dedication to you and us and our family. It feels silly how i worry that you won’t know…that despite my best efforts i will fail to convey how much i love and adore you…that you won’t see or won’t hear how happy you make me and how much i am grateful for your presence and solidity in my life. I hope that my words here may serve as a reminder…a reminder that this girl loves you.

I love you with all of my heart, mind, body, and spirit. I am proud to belong to you and proud to be a part of the family we have built. I am devoted to you with a passion and fire i have never known. It is my deepest wish and desire to offer myself up to you…to be yours. And i know that desire has already been fulfilled you have accepted and cherished me without condition and i will continue to kneel proudly before you.

I am yours…and i know though the words don’t quite explain it you are mine in equal measure….

Those are all the words i have for now…so for tonight i will finish with the two that have always summed it up

yours. always.

 

home alone

i am lying in the Pretty Lady’s bed…it is warm, it is safe, it is ridiculously comfortable, it is big…and tonight…tonight it is lonely.  She is across the country teaching people how to tap their own creativity and make beautiful things.  i struggle not being there to help her, not carrying her bags and bringing her lunch and doing those things i do.  i wonder if i made the right choice to stay home and work and not take the time off.  It is not that i think she can’t do it alone.  i know she can do it and do it well.  She is an amazing teacher and an even more amazing artist.  But i miss her.  i miss her more than i though i would.  Normally on Tuesday nights i am in a hurry to get home to be with her, to spend one of our precious nights together and tonight she is not here.  i stopped at the grocery store on the way home to fetch some additional ingredients for dinner for the boy and i and there were beautiful bright orange and deep red tulips for sale.  i paused for a moment considering buying them only to remember that there were not pretty green eyes waiting at home that would smile and light up at the sight of such lovely flowers and i felt a small sadness in my chest.  There is less light in our house this week, the vibrancy of Her is missing and it feels as though a part of myself is across the country…far away and leaving an empty space in my chest…i know it is only a week…and she will be back and we have years of time…but tonight her bed is big and soft and empty without her…

mindfulness

In my world of late i feel as though i have been needing to learn…or maybe see is a better word…lessons in mindfulness.  When i stand in the real moments of my life and look at them…experience them…my life is beautiful.  I have deep profound meaningful love…a devoted Owner who accepts my service…a committed connected poly family…a loving and accepting biological family…a good paying  job…a warm happy home.  i am blessed and lucky…truly.  That is why i get intensely frustrated with myself when my mind wanders away from the present and begins to cling to and magnify imagined troubles that don’t actually exist.  i have the capacity to create realities in my head…i think we all do…and i have to be careful what reality i put energy into.  It is such a difficult practice to remain present and grateful when i’m worried about things…my health, my worth, my weight, my job…whatever…these are things that exist all the time.  These are part of ‘real’ life but they are not the biggest things…in fact more often than not they are small…truly insignificant in the face of the abundance of my life.

Tonight the job i give myself…in order to serve my Lady and myself…is to actively make the choice to turn toward abundance rather than scarcity.  i will choose mindfulness and being present in my joyful grateful life rather than fear of things that are not actually happening.  i know i won’t be perfect at it but this is the mission i am lying out for myself and i am committed to doing it.