whirlwind

The days have just started blending together.  We have all been so busy either with work or the house or whatever it seems like there hasn’t been time to breath.  i feel good about the Pretty Lady and i…about our dynamic…about our M/s, about being her property and what that means for us.  i still struggle with taking correction and having a better emotional reaction when i feel i have caused added stress or disappointment.  i feel myself grow frustrated and angry with myself when i have failed to do something up to standard.  i know there is no other way for me to learn to do better if i am never corrected but i always want the tasks i complete to be above correction…to be perfect.  it doesn’t seem to matter how much i tell myself that there is no such thing as perfection and no possible way for me to be perfect but that doesn’t take away the desire for it.  The problem is when i allow my mind to wander down that path all it does is do damage to the Pretty Lady.  It doesn’t matter that i am beating myself up for my self-perceived wrongs…the blows still land with unintended consequences on the head and heart of my Owner…onto the one person i want never to harm.  It is a perplexing and fascinating struggle to accept with grace the occasional, inevitable correction…to take in the information without internalizing a sense of failure.  i feel as though i am nowhere near mastering this skill and i fear i never will be.  Some part of me knows that i have already worked hard on this and have actually gotten better than i once was but i know i am not yet good enough…and that alone seems to make it almost worse.   i don’t take correction as well as i should so not only do i feel as though i have failed at whatever task it is that is being corrected i compound that feeling by knowing that my emotional response is not what it should be either.  i have not quite seen my way out of this maze yet…but i realize i must because not only does my internal conflict do damage to my Owner and her ability to be a successful dominant it negatively effects the other people around as well.

This last time my being out of sorts helped to contribute to an extremely poorly timed moment of conflict with the boy as well…and has, i have now learned, been causing him additional stress whenever he is confronted with it.  Now i find myself fighting not to question my value…my quality…as a friend, space sharer, person because of the impact my strong emotions can have on those i care about.  i am working hard to let each person’s issues be their own…but damn is my brain screaming to internalize every bad thing i think about myself…it is an old narrative that is ringing in my ears right now and  i just don’t have time for it…but i fear i also don’t have time to properly exorcise it either…i’m hoping this short post will do some good…we shall see…i will close by wishing myself well and trying to use my gentlest internal voice possible…and try and hear the soft voice of the Pretty Lady…telling me i am loved…and cherished…and truly deeply valuable.

fantasy

The Pretty Lady has admonished me to write things here that I’ve shied away from, to write things that challenge me.  She wants me to write when my journey is challenging and I haven’t yet arrived at an answer instead of after I’ve made some conclusions.  She’s also told me to write about my fantasies, to write things here that turn me on.  I find that challenging too, too peel back that protective layer and show whomever might stumble across this blog the quivering tender part of me that aches and wants and is always a little afraid of the wanting.

But the Lady has wished it.  I have found myself desiring something since our trip, something that feels both emotionally risky and psychologically intense.  I want the Pretty Lady to fuck my face.  Not just for a short moment at the beginning of a scene, but long and hard and unyielding.  I want to choke on her cock, her fingers, whatever.  I want her to invade me, not leave me any room to escape.  I want to not be able to breath or get away. I want her to fuck me until I gag and vomit and then keep fucking me.  I want to cry and choke and want more than anything for her to stop but not to stop.  I want her hands fisted in my hair and her cock shoved in my mouth. I don’t want to be able to get away, I want to be pinned and short of breath and covered in tears and snot and cum and possibly even a little vomit. I have studiously avoided having this experience.  I have clearly expressed it could be quite triggering for me, and it runs every risk of being so.  But I want it.  I want to move passed the fear and the memory and this place I just try never to look at.

The Lady has been very gentle with me around this.  She is loving and empathetic and has always respected the one boundary I have had…and I love and appreciate her all the more for it.  But I think I don’t want that boundary anymore.  I want to find out what lies on the other side of it…I want her to take it and shatter it to pieces.  I know the risk of what I am asking and I know the burden this places on someone who has taken ownership of me  and has an investment in her property…I love her…and I appreciate her…and I want her…so badly…to take that thing that I have held back.

slave hearts, intention, and a crazy weekend

The Pretty Lady and i went to Vancouver Edge this weekend….a pansexual kink conference with a focus on edge play…i didn’t realize how much we needed that time together until we had left the boy and Daddy working on the house and started on the road north.  There had been so much busy and so much stress in the last two months we had both lost our focus, the intentionality of this journey we are on…and it was hurting us both…a hurt that neither of us wanted to look at…i think we both just wanted it to fix itself, for everything to work out without the prickly path that is change.  Sadly, as much as one wishes for that to be the case it never really happens that way.

i won’t speak to the Lady’s process through this, only my own, but i think we’ve walked similar roads in our own way.  i have felt lonely, alone, adrift, far from my center since my shakeup at work.  i hadn’t even realized how far i had gotten away from a place of submission, of being true to my slave core.  i spend so much of my day needing to be the one making the decisions, being the one truly in charge my armor had grown thick and my mask had started to stick.  i wasn’t coming home and letting it drop at the door.  i wasn’t keeping true to my journey.  i have been allowing my job to overpower my work.  i know that the struggle between the journey and the cold hard world that seeks to destroy and crush and distract from the heart and from dreams is a constant one i just thought i was better at it than i have proven to be recently.

i want so badly to be perfect, to be a good slave, that i nearly lost the whole thing.  i felt so overwhelmed and so scared and so alone that i stopped listening to the voice that guides and keeps me on the track i have chosen.  it is kind of terrifying to think of how close i let myself get to the precipice, falling far and hard away from the person, the slave i want to be.

i can’t begin to express my gratitude for the weekend away…and for going to a place where we could look long and hard at the choices we have made and how to be true to them.  we connected, we recommitted, we reset our intentions and we brought our hearts back home…my head is still swimming with all of the events.  i know that i will write more about it soon but i wanted to get some initial thoughts down now…and will revisit in a couple of days when the events have settled into some sort of coherent pattern in my mind.  for now it is good enough to know that my love and my devotion and my service…and the will of the pretty Lady are once again in the center of my vision…