The days have just started blending together. We have all been so busy either with work or the house or whatever it seems like there hasn’t been time to breath. i feel good about the Pretty Lady and i…about our dynamic…about our M/s, about being her property and what that means for us. i still struggle with taking correction and having a better emotional reaction when i feel i have caused added stress or disappointment. i feel myself grow frustrated and angry with myself when i have failed to do something up to standard. i know there is no other way for me to learn to do better if i am never corrected but i always want the tasks i complete to be above correction…to be perfect. it doesn’t seem to matter how much i tell myself that there is no such thing as perfection and no possible way for me to be perfect but that doesn’t take away the desire for it. The problem is when i allow my mind to wander down that path all it does is do damage to the Pretty Lady. It doesn’t matter that i am beating myself up for my self-perceived wrongs…the blows still land with unintended consequences on the head and heart of my Owner…onto the one person i want never to harm. It is a perplexing and fascinating struggle to accept with grace the occasional, inevitable correction…to take in the information without internalizing a sense of failure. i feel as though i am nowhere near mastering this skill and i fear i never will be. Some part of me knows that i have already worked hard on this and have actually gotten better than i once was but i know i am not yet good enough…and that alone seems to make it almost worse. i don’t take correction as well as i should so not only do i feel as though i have failed at whatever task it is that is being corrected i compound that feeling by knowing that my emotional response is not what it should be either. i have not quite seen my way out of this maze yet…but i realize i must because not only does my internal conflict do damage to my Owner and her ability to be a successful dominant it negatively effects the other people around as well.
This last time my being out of sorts helped to contribute to an extremely poorly timed moment of conflict with the boy as well…and has, i have now learned, been causing him additional stress whenever he is confronted with it. Now i find myself fighting not to question my value…my quality…as a friend, space sharer, person because of the impact my strong emotions can have on those i care about. i am working hard to let each person’s issues be their own…but damn is my brain screaming to internalize every bad thing i think about myself…it is an old narrative that is ringing in my ears right now and i just don’t have time for it…but i fear i also don’t have time to properly exorcise it either…i’m hoping this short post will do some good…we shall see…i will close by wishing myself well and trying to use my gentlest internal voice possible…and try and hear the soft voice of the Pretty Lady…telling me i am loved…and cherished…and truly deeply valuable.
strengthinsubmission 