inside

There is nothing like being inside of her
like losing myself
in the sweet heat of her cunt
and the depth of her pleasure.

There is nothing like feeling her
tight around my hand
while her cum drenches my arm.

There is nothing like cumming
hard and loud
while i pound into her cunt
with steady deliberate force.

There is nothing like fucking her.

There is nothing like taking her.

There is nothing like belonging to her
and making her mine at the same time.

There is nothing like the deep warm scent of her
all over my skin as i fall asleep
with her head on my chest
and her arm possessively around my waist.

There is nothing like her…

moments

It feels so good to be taking a moment.  A moment away from work, from commuting, from worrying about work and commuting.  My job has taken up so much space in my life lately it has left me feeling drained and sad and off center.  I have had feelings of self-doubt, self-loathing, fear, all of which add up to bad choices and negativity.  i am not blaming everything on stress from work but i certainly know it plays a part.  When i start to feel like i am not able to hold up my end of service and submission i doubt my worth and when i fall down that particular rabbit hole the results are not good.  That is, at least partly, why this vacation is well timed.  The Pretty Lady and i need time to connect and talk and heal some of the tender spots and i need time to unwind the tight bands of tension that are wrapped around me right now.

i am looking forward to the time, the moments that are to come this week.  i am looking forward to walking down the streets of the city and seeing new places and new things.  i am looking forward to the things i can’t even guess are going to happen and i am looking forward to time alone with the Pretty Lady…time to connect…

i am looking forward to time to run my hands over her skin and smooth tension from tired muscles…to focusing on her…on her body.  i can feel a touch of shyness as i write about wanting her…i want her skin under my strong hands…i want to feel her body relax until she is open to me…i want to press strong fingers into her muscles and then into her cunt…i want to take her…i want to fuck her…i even want to slip some sharp shiny needles under her skin and make her bleed…i rest assured in the knowledge that if she does not want these things she will tell me but for now i am just expressing my wants…my desire…i sometimes hesitate to do this and this seems a time where i should not hesitate…i should step up and reach for what i want…i will step up and use my strong hands and my hard cock and my body and let her feel how much i desire her…how much i want her…

i want those moments this week…i want the moments where i take her and let her feel me…i want to cum inside of her and feel her cum hard around me…i want…i want that connection…and now i let that want sit hot and low inside of me and i embrace it and love it and love myself and love her and offer my desire up to the universe…

fantasy

The Pretty Lady has admonished me to write things here that I’ve shied away from, to write things that challenge me.  She wants me to write when my journey is challenging and I haven’t yet arrived at an answer instead of after I’ve made some conclusions.  She’s also told me to write about my fantasies, to write things here that turn me on.  I find that challenging too, too peel back that protective layer and show whomever might stumble across this blog the quivering tender part of me that aches and wants and is always a little afraid of the wanting.

But the Lady has wished it.  I have found myself desiring something since our trip, something that feels both emotionally risky and psychologically intense.  I want the Pretty Lady to fuck my face.  Not just for a short moment at the beginning of a scene, but long and hard and unyielding.  I want to choke on her cock, her fingers, whatever.  I want her to invade me, not leave me any room to escape.  I want to not be able to breath or get away. I want her to fuck me until I gag and vomit and then keep fucking me.  I want to cry and choke and want more than anything for her to stop but not to stop.  I want her hands fisted in my hair and her cock shoved in my mouth. I don’t want to be able to get away, I want to be pinned and short of breath and covered in tears and snot and cum and possibly even a little vomit. I have studiously avoided having this experience.  I have clearly expressed it could be quite triggering for me, and it runs every risk of being so.  But I want it.  I want to move passed the fear and the memory and this place I just try never to look at.

The Lady has been very gentle with me around this.  She is loving and empathetic and has always respected the one boundary I have had…and I love and appreciate her all the more for it.  But I think I don’t want that boundary anymore.  I want to find out what lies on the other side of it…I want her to take it and shatter it to pieces.  I know the risk of what I am asking and I know the burden this places on someone who has taken ownership of me  and has an investment in her property…I love her…and I appreciate her…and I want her…so badly…to take that thing that I have held back.

passing thoughts

Here I am again…I’ve decided quite actively not to apologize for the lapse in time between posts.  Life is such at the moment that my time is limited and I just have to accept that rather than berate myself for all the things I can’t do as often as I would like.  I decided to pause and make a note of something that felt like a bit of an epiphany this morning.  It was one of those sorts of taking a shower and a seemingly completely random set of thoughts starts to scamper through the mind moments this morning and rather than forget it I thought I’d actually take note.

The thought that drifted through was about why it is I can’t seem to wrap my head around the notion that my sexual pleasure is pleasing to someone else…there is always this voice in the back of my head that tells me my orgasms are selfish and only about my pleasure.  I find myself always with this bit of doubt that the pretty Lady has enjoyed herself with me if she doesn’t cum.  It occurred to me today why I feel that way.  Ever since my first sexual partner way back in those teenage years I had a series of partners that one way or another  implied or outright stated that my sexual desire, my orgasms were indicative of being selfish.  I wanted too many of them, I wanted any of them at all, with some partners it felt like me wanting anything at all was too much…I am an intense person and in my life some people have not been able to deal with that…I get that…I also get that I have not always made the best relationship choices and have chosen some people who did not treat me well…but it very clearly clicked in my head this morning that I have not yet been able to embrace the idea that my sexual pleasure is good…my sexual satisfaction is ok and in fact a good thing for my partner.

There are a thousand reasons that I love watching the pretty Lady cum…she’s beautiful and intense and powerful in that moment…but it occurred to me that if she doesn’t or if her focus is on me I always have this tiny guilty voice in the back of my head that I do not deserve what she is giving…or that she will somehow resent giving it at all…I guess I need to have a little, gentle, talk with that voice.  I know why she is scared, and I see the pattern she has learned to follow, but that pattern doesn’t fit us any more…and doesn’t serve me or the pretty Lady.   And above all else I do strive always to serve the pretty Lady.