The Pretty Lady and i went to Vancouver Edge this weekend….a pansexual kink conference with a focus on edge play…i didn’t realize how much we needed that time together until we had left the boy and Daddy working on the house and started on the road north. There had been so much busy and so much stress in the last two months we had both lost our focus, the intentionality of this journey we are on…and it was hurting us both…a hurt that neither of us wanted to look at…i think we both just wanted it to fix itself, for everything to work out without the prickly path that is change. Sadly, as much as one wishes for that to be the case it never really happens that way.
i won’t speak to the Lady’s process through this, only my own, but i think we’ve walked similar roads in our own way. i have felt lonely, alone, adrift, far from my center since my shakeup at work. i hadn’t even realized how far i had gotten away from a place of submission, of being true to my slave core. i spend so much of my day needing to be the one making the decisions, being the one truly in charge my armor had grown thick and my mask had started to stick. i wasn’t coming home and letting it drop at the door. i wasn’t keeping true to my journey. i have been allowing my job to overpower my work. i know that the struggle between the journey and the cold hard world that seeks to destroy and crush and distract from the heart and from dreams is a constant one i just thought i was better at it than i have proven to be recently.
i want so badly to be perfect, to be a good slave, that i nearly lost the whole thing. i felt so overwhelmed and so scared and so alone that i stopped listening to the voice that guides and keeps me on the track i have chosen. it is kind of terrifying to think of how close i let myself get to the precipice, falling far and hard away from the person, the slave i want to be.
i can’t begin to express my gratitude for the weekend away…and for going to a place where we could look long and hard at the choices we have made and how to be true to them. we connected, we recommitted, we reset our intentions and we brought our hearts back home…my head is still swimming with all of the events. i know that i will write more about it soon but i wanted to get some initial thoughts down now…and will revisit in a couple of days when the events have settled into some sort of coherent pattern in my mind. for now it is good enough to know that my love and my devotion and my service…and the will of the pretty Lady are once again in the center of my vision…
strengthinsubmission 