Yesterday/last night was interesting emotionally, it certainly did not end where I thought it would…but I guess things rarely do…end where you think they are going to. The pretty Lady and the boy were…I don’t know…i guess fighting is the best word…yesterday. Whenever that happens i have to remind myself pretty actively that it is not mine and that i can’t fix it. I am a protective nurturing sort and when I see someone I love hurting I want to fix it, I want to make it better…and when it’s poly shit like that I can’t fix it, it’s not mine to fix…I’m not the one needed or wanted to fix it…and no two ways about it that sucks. It is no one’s fault that it sucks it just does. My problem is that when I find myself in that place I start to feel useless…at least this time I could recognize what I was feeling and channel that energy into something productive…I did the things that I know for certain make me useful. I cleaned and tidied, I took care of the house and the cats…kept things in order. That helped, helped me feel centered and focused, allowed me to remember my service and how good service makes me feel.
When I was done, however, I found myself once again at loose ends. The pretty Lady was spending the night in town at Daddy’s house for the first time since she moved in with her other partner…a whole other story there…so I was concerned about her but confident that she would reach out if needed. So I hopped on facebook and chatted with a friend who is having some poly growing pains with her partners and saw that the boy, my little brother, was also online. I knew he’d had a rotten no good day and was probably feeling low so I decided to reach out and I am glad I did. I ended up going over to his place with some beers to gossip and talk and generally make myself available if he wanted to open up about poly stuff. It took a bit for the conversation to wind around to the poly stuff…but it eventually did and I’m really glad I decided to go over there and talk with him. We talked a lot about fear and insecurity and how those things exist in some form for all of us, in our own ways. We talked about how much work relationships take poly or mono…we talked about some of our ideas about each other…he told me about his fear of me not liking him when he fights with the Lady…I talked about my misconceived notion that he is never afraid to ask for what he wants…that he has no fear of no…he cried…we talked about vulnerability…it was good. We also talked about how invested we are and how good it is to be cutting our own paths and not being chained to ideas just because they are the accepted way of doing things. It felt a little like we put more bricks in the foundation of our poly family.
Towards the end there were some texts from the Lady…I was happy she was drunk and having fun and dealing ok with the sleeping arrangements for the night and was happy to tell her that the boy and I had had a good talk. I got home settled in and sent a couple of more texts…I was about to go to sleep when I got a text from Daddy. Now I don’t often get texts from Daddy…maybe four or five total…ever…and this one sort of floored me.
It said “I know it’s hard being the good one because you get less attention but we love you.”
Without any warning I read it and burst into tears. Through those tears I responded with a thank you…I’m not even sure I can express what the thank you was for exactly. Maybe it was for the fact that it came from Daddy, who is conservative with her words and therefore they hold even more power when she uses them. Maybe it was having someone who hadn’t even seen me that day know the very thing I’d struggled with for a better part of the afternoon. Maybe it was some dawning deep realization of just how loved I really am. Maybe it was the beginnings of a release of that deeply ingrained brain hamster that likes to tell me that I’m only valuable to the people I love because of what I do not who I am. It was probably some cocktail of all of the above…but the tears were cathartic and intense and still on my mind.
Poly is not easy, service is not easy, D/s is not easy…and yet some days it is…and sometimes even when it is hard and complicated…it is still the best thing ever.
strengthinsubmission 