So I made it through the birthday…quiet successfully. There was much sweet relaxing fun to be had over the weekend with the pretty Lady. It was really special and sweet to get to spend so much uninterrupted time together, something that the regular poly schedule just doesn’t really provide for any of us. And my birthday itself was pretty great. I got to help the pretty Lady organize her new creative space and then had an impromptu dinner with many friends and maybe a couple of cocktails. There was much giggling and laughing…and hot drunk poly sex afterwards…all in all a very happy birthday for this little slave girl.
And I’ve been working really hard on focusing on those days rather than the other days that have passed between that day and this one. In the intervening few days my other poly relationship found itself dashed on the rocks in port break-up. This has left me feeling a roller coaster of emotion. There is so much in my life that is so solid, and so good. My relationship with the Lady is amazing. It is rich and deep and steady… i can’t even count the number of wedding conversations we’ve had lately…conversations that aren’t just someday but reality…conversations that warm my heart and make my head feel a happy sort of floaty sensation. And the broader poly family is feeling strong and in place. The boy and I are looking forward to him living here and us cooking together and making a home here with the Lady…it’s kind of awesome. And then there is this other feeling…the achy feeling in my chest of loss…of sadness…of anger at the fact that another pretty girl, one i had trusted to be honest with me, to love me, to be with me…us…girls together….has decided she can’t do that right now. She can’t or won’t figure out a way to make it work for us and that triggers feelings of a lack of self-worth. The little brain hamsters wake up and start gnawing at the straps and their squeaky little voices start chiming in about how I wasn’t worth fighting for and I can’t trust that people are going to stick around if I need things…or change…or grow…or try and be my true self.
I fear losing all the other amazing things that I have going on and I feel shaken by that fear. I want to be able to tell myself how irrational it is all the time and more importantly I want to be able to believe that. Deep down I know that my fear does not come from anything real, all evidence in my life points in exactly the opposite direction in fact. But my brain starts searching for evidence, evidence to validate the tightness in my chest. The hamsters whisper…”see, see that thing over there? see that it means nobody really loves you.” And “oh see that other thing, that means nobody really wants to be with you, even around you.” I sit down and try and tell these voices that they are projecting fear and negativity onto completely meaningless, innocuous events and most of the time they listen…or I listen…and I quiet myself down. I think I’m doing an all right job…but I still have these moments when I feel tears in my eyes…and I have to wrestle them more bodily. I have to yell at them to stop…that I know they lie…I have to use the Lady’s voice in my head telling them NO!! until I can breath.
It seems like one day I am fine…and the next I feel sad and small. I will keep wrestling. I will keep the brain hamsters in their cages. I will not give in to the crazy talk they keep trying to share. I will not judge myself for grieving. I will not judge myself for my feelings but I will also not let them drive me places I don’t wish to go.
I may also eat some Girl Scout cookies.